


the sexiest you've been is wearing a ski mask

by scratchfliprepeat



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Childhood Friends, Enemies to Lovers, M/M, Secret Identity, Social Media, everything else is just a side ship, mostly dirkjohn lmao, tagging everyone with speaking roles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:15:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24100435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scratchfliprepeat/pseuds/scratchfliprepeat
Summary: Achieve your dreams. Even if that meant being a superhero.Only that being a superhero isn't as grand as a profession as you have hoped. You have a head full of empty, a hand full of gun, and an everything dripping of hydrant water.You're not even a superhero. This is pathetic.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, John Egbert/Dirk Strider, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Comments: 3
Kudos: 48





	the sexiest you've been is wearing a ski mask

**Author's Note:**

> does this look familiar? i accidentally posted it for a grand few seconds before i took it off just as fast. anyway, this is the final product. please enjoy!

**ALPHA ANALYSIS** @beepbeepmeow

ANOTHER LIVEBLOG FROM @The Seer ON 3PM THIS THURSDAY. 

**ALPHA ANALYSIS** @beepbeepmeow

FEATURES THE HEIR, ONCE AGAIN DISPLAYING HIS IMPECCABLE LACK OF JUDGEMENT, COVERING AN ENTIRE DORMITORY IN TOILET PAPER.

 **ALPHA ANALYSIS** @beepbeepmeow

IT HAD TO BE THE PROSPIT DORMITORIES. THANK YOU, JACKASS.

 **da stride** @davestrider

you arent even trying to hide your secret identity are you

 **ALPHA ANALYSIS** @beepbeepmeow

I'M NOT THE ONE MASQUERADING IN A KNOCK-OFF ANIME COSPLAY.

* * *

"Give it up, Heir, and I might spare you the humilation of losing!"

Your name is DIRK STRIDER, and you are wondering where your life has come to. You are wearing a tattered cape, a _wifebeater,_ and unironic flip flops. You almost had bandages on your hands to complete the ensemble, but you quickly realize how much of a pain in the ass it is to put it on.

In comparison, your conversational partner is an asshole in honest to god _pyjamas_ and a hood that trails all the way to his feet. He doesn't faceplant on the account of the fact that he's _flying_ a few feet off the air.

Heir laughs, the sound ringing all the way across the street. 

"Loosen up a bit, dude. Everybody clearly loves it." Heir says.

On cue, the thrum of excitement from the crowd behind you spikes.

"This is a public disturbance. Along with _all_ the other shit you've done. You have jackshit amounts of complaints waiting for you." You said.

"Except they have to have to catch me first, right?" Heir replied. 

With a flick of his hand, a gust of wind cuts through a fire hydrant. The knob wobbles, but other than that, nothing really happens.

"Bro. Do you really want to douse the audience?" You asked.

Heir shook his head. "Nah. Nah. You're right, that's too much."

The crowd laughs in turn.

"But I can do _this!"_ Heir flicks his hand again.

Nothing happens.

"Three out of five stars for accuracy." You said. 

"I know, I know. I give out autographs later." Heir bows dramatically.

"You can write? Shocking. With your maturity, I always thought you were an overgrown toddler."

Heir whistles innocently. You hear an ominous crack.

_pssSSSSHHHHHHTT_

You are doused head to toe with hydrant water. That filthy bastard.

"Look at that! I think my mom's calling me. Gotta go! Ciao." With a two fingered salute, the Heir absconds right into the fucking sky.

"Do you think it's that easy, motherfucker? The game is on."

You unlatch your grappling hook from the utility belt, and start your pursuit.

* * *

**Di-Stri** @dirkstrider

I'm having a bad, bad day.

 **Rose Lalonde** @lovecraftianlalonde

How unfortunate. Care to share over a cup of tea?

 **Di-Stri** @dirkstrider

I'll visit my therapist when I want to, Rose.

* * *

"How about a taste of your own medicine?" You said, switching the dial of your grappling hook.

You are now perched on a rooftop, _still_ keeping your cool and not panting like an overworked horse. It doesn't help that you look the part, still doused head-to-toe.

To be fair, zooming in the air has taken its toll on Heir as well. He was wiping sweat off his brow, the droplets sticking to his mask.

"Oh cool, the hook just disappeared!" Heir said. "Oh wait. That means something bad for me, doesn't it."

"You know it." You pull the trigger.

A fishing net catapults towards Heir, completely enveloping him in it.

 _"Dude!"_ Heir exclaimed. In futility, he attempted to tear it apart. 

"Your grubby fingers are kissing synthetically made fiber." You blow out imaginary smoke out of your multi-purpose gun. "Cool, huh? It's not indestructible, a prototype, but it's definitely Heir-proof."

"Nerd ranting. Laaaaaame." Heir whined, crossing his arms childishly.

"Speaking of Heir-proof, the little orange studs are magnets that are designed to be attracted to the nearest surface. Long story short, your landing is scheduled in, three, two, now." You said.

"Oh. That's why it feels so heavy." Heir said, descending as he spoke.

"My job here is done." You said, heroically staring into the sunset. The light reflects off your shades.

Heir snorted. "Dude. I can see what you're doing."

"That means that you don't need new glasses." You replied. 

"I think I see someone calling the police." Heir said.

"Good."

"That means you're fucked too, jerkwad. Dressing in pantaloons doesn't make you immune to the law." Heir said.

"These aren't pantaloons— "

"Second, using high rated support items that are definitely _not_ licensed is bound to land you into trouble. Synthetic fiber? Where did you even get that?" Heir said.

You might have stolen it from class when no one was looking, but a meter or five of synthetic fiber wouldn't be missed. It was of so shitty quality either.

Not that you thought _Heir_ of all people, would realize, but then again, you monologued like an damn novice.

Heir snorted again. "Dude, just go. You probably need a shower _and_ a place to hide your illegal cargo."

"You've made your point. But I've won this round." You said.

"Dude. _Go."_

* * *

**ALPHA ANALYSIS** @beepbeepmeow

ACCORDING TO @fefbubbles TIKTOK, THE PURSUIT ENDED FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO. HEIR LANDED ON THE GROUND, PISSED ABOUT THE LAME FISHNET HE WAS CAUGHT IN. 

**ALPHA ANALYSIS** @beepbeepmeow

GOOD. THAT MAKES TWO OF US.

 **ALPHA ANALYSIS** @beepbeepmeow

UNFORTUNATELY, THE _OTHER_ ASSHOLE WITH SHADES AND A RED CAPE BAILED HIM BY SLICING THROUGH THE NET WITH A KNIFE. THANKS, KNIGHT.

 **da stride** @davestrider

ily2 random citizen

 **ALPHA ANALYSIS** @beepbeepmeow

FUCK OFF, DAVE.

* * *

**Di-Stri** @dirkstrider

The mortifying ordeal of being known.

 **Di-Stri** @dirkstrider

What is the point of existence, to toil and only to result in meaningless waste?

 **rolal** @rolal

oml... who hurt u???

 **Di-Stri** @dirkstrider

Weeks of hard work, only for it to be thrown to waste.

* * *

**John Tho** @jegbert

every day is an exciting adventure waiting to be unraveled!!!

 **John Tho** @jegbert

… sometimes adventures that need to be paid for. broke once again. @davestrider is a slave driver when he wants to be.

 **da stride** @davestrider

you gotta admit the pizza was heavenly

 **da stride** @davestrider

straight from the mouth of the gods

 **John Tho** @jegbert

pssst…. should we start a youtube channel?

* * *

**Seer of Light** @betaTheSeer

All in a day's work. Entertainment is a hard business, no? 

**Prince** @AlphaPrince

Surely you must be getting tired. You might want to take a vacation.

 **Page of H** @Alphapageofhope

Same could be said about you, old chap! You did quite a diggity dang staggering save earlier.

 **heir of breath** @betaBreath

quite a staggering save!!!... for a wet super saiyan. 

**Prince** @AlphaPrince

Thank you for taking the time to carefully take apart the studs. That wasn't rude or insulting at all.

 **heir of breath** @betaBreath

thank you for catching me in them! 

**knight of t(pose)** @betatimeguy

wheres my thank you that shit was fucking astronomically hellish to dismantle

 **Prince** @AlphaPrince

That actually makes me feel better. You're welcome.

* * *

Your name is DIRK STRIDER, and this time, you're not docked out in anime cosplay gear but in a normal pair of winter clothing. In the spring.

"Oh, thank _goodness_ you can come!" Jane said, clapping her hands together. "How long has it been since I've seen you outside of your room?"

"You're exaggerating." You said.

Jake laughed heartily and slapped your back. The man was built like a brickhouse. You're made of tougher material.

That said, you definitely choked. You _were_ built, yes, but it was the element of surprise.

"The man was very hard to persuade!" Jake said. "Lord knows it took a long and arduous conversation to lure him out of his batcave." 

"It's not a batcave." You said. "It's a _man_ cave."

"You must be finally opening up the blinds in your mancave. You look less pale than usual!" Jane said.

Roxy giggled. "Yeah, Di-Stri. Looks like you've been getting out of the house more, hmmm?"

"A tragedy. I always wanted to look like Edward Cullen from Twilight." You said.

"You're certainly brooding enough to make the cut." Jake said. 

Jane wrinkled her nose. "What's taking so _long_ for them to get here?"

It's been tradition for you and your friends, and your friends' friends, to come visit the ice rink the second week of the month. Your little group had been around since middle school, and Jane had expressed the fear of growing apart. It had been a reasonable fear, given the fact that you were never a really sociable person to begin with and you began to lock yourself in further. 

There was, of course, the aforementioned 'friends of friends' and the people that Jane. It would be naive to say that they came together as a whimsical twist of fate to parallel your own circle of friends. It was probably more so the fact that they were forced to hang around each other when the older relatives were supervising while waiting for the guardians to arrive.

"Janey, don't worry so much! I'm sure they're chill." Roxy said.

Jane was pacing back and forth, arms firmly folded.

"Let's backtrack… Jade FaceTimed me at 9pm, showing her and Rose getting breakfast, John texted me half an hour later that he'd just woken up, but— "

"You know Karkat and Dave has been playing the vamping game lately?" Jake cut in. 

"Dude, they've been playing the flirting game for _so long_ that the slow burn of the Sun to the Earth is put to shame." You said.

"Nice. You know your fanfiction lingo." Roxy said. " _Well._ Wait. Shush." 

Jane was still rambling to herself, her hand curled around her chin. Roxy ever-so-shiftily puts their arms over you and Jake both.

"Three-o-clock. Nubby troll and gang." Roxy said.

"Oh _shit._ Isn't that the hacker guy? I _knew_ I could smell his reeking slacking ass." You said.

Jake blinked. "He doesn't really look the type."

"Because he _isn't_. Di-Stri here is just getting heated." Roxy said.

Jake sighed and shook his head.

"It's called being reasonably competitive. The guy called my nanobots a _rip off_. It's called an upgrade and his ugly mug needs one." You said.

Roxy and Jake stared at you.

"The futility of man is that there's always that gap of imperfection. It was more unfortunate that his was such a fucking eyesore." You said.

 _"Mug."_ Roxy echoed. "Jake, you corrupted him."

"What corruption are you talking about? I'm thinking about the nanobots. Those little buggers got in _everywhere._ Sometimes they wink back at me when I open my drawer." Jake said.

"All in the name of science. I'll get them out of your hair soon." You said.

"Thanks." Jake said.

"— Of course, they wouldn't be daft enough to do something _today,"_ Jane was muttering.

"Take a chill pill, Jane." Roxy said. "Take a look at three o' clock."

Jane had spotted the group of trolls that you were previously gossiping about.

 _"Oh!_ Of course. Kanaya must have told Rose that Karkat was here, so Dave must be dressing up." Jane nodded to herself.

"Nice solve, detective." Roxy said.

"I don't blame him. You gotta do what you gotta do to get your man." You said. 

Jake postures, slinking his hair back grandly. His teeth sparkles when he grins.

"He coulda asked me for tips on romancing. I'm quite a… lover magnet if I do say so myself." Jake said.

"Those tips are good for attracting _multiple_ people. I'm sure Dave just wants one fish to catch." Jane said.

"We all know Dave is hopeless. Speaking of." You said.

The little junior gang finally appeared, John waving wildly, Dave and Jade talking animatedly, and Rose on her phone. Right on cue, you feel your phone vibrate.

You greeted Dave with a fist bump.

"Fashionably late?" You asked.

"Yep." Dave said. Behind the shades, you can see him scrutinize you. "It's rare to see you here early." 

"Doesn't matter. How's your comic adaptation?" You replied.

Dave nodded. "Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff. You think I'm kidding, but it's gonna be the _best_ movie ever. It's a masterpiece waiting to happen."

"Is this a congregation of cool kids?" John asked. His eyebrows climbed so high that it nearly disappeared right into his hairline.

You nearly jumped.

"Yeah dude. Secret Club of Coolkidz only, with a z. Show your ID or prove your worth." You said, hooking an arm around Dave.

"Is that so?" John put a hand on his chin. "What if I tell you some top notch, Egbert-only information?" 

You paused for good measure.

"Interesting…" You said. 

John's eyes lit up like a reverse dimmer cranked up to ten. 

"Are you sure about this?" Dave said. 

"What if I told _you,_ that the man in your arms as of this moment, has already started to write the script for SBAHJ?" John finally said.

You whirled around to look at Dave. 

_"What?"_

Dave, props to him, looked surprised as you had felt. His hands were out of his pockets, an aborted gesture to put his hands up.

"Well," Dave started. "It's like a baby draft. You don't want to reveal a baby draft to the world yet, don't you? _No._ You're gonna shield its eyes to the harsh and scary— " 

"Dude, that's honestly great." You cut in. "Can I read it?"

"Yeah, dude. You know that Dirk will have nothing but insightful commentary." John said.

Dave's ears were bright pink.

"I'm far from an actual, real professional, though I can toss out some comments and corrections here and there. We can begin with— " You said.

"I can't wait to hear the bullet point by bullet point of why Sweet Bro has an Oedipus Complex." John said finally, a grin splitting his face right in half.

Yeah. You should have expected that, especially with his weird behavior.

"I'd also be giving my bro a list of the most _smokin_ bachelors that can embody such a heavy role." You said.

John gasped. " _No._ There's only one person deserving to play the role and you know that."

Everyone knew about John's weird crush on the scraggly man. He's been obsessed with him since he was 13. The _least_ weird of crushes, but nobody was about to tell him that.

Jake had a thing for the blue lady from Avatar. You had a thing for Perry the Platypus.

"The hottest man on earth?" You said.

"You're damn fucking right." John said.

You bowed. "Thank you. As much as I'm flattered, I don't think I can give the role of R-18 Toy Story Plush Rump Woody— " You said.

John gasped again, even more dramatically this time.

"A misleading tactic? You get me _once."_ John narrowed his eyes.

"You two are terrible." Dave said. "It's a draft and it's too young and sensitive to be cracked down by your harsh proofreader claws."

You raise a hand to your chest. "You betrayer. You traitor. You have taken my trust and worn it as a cloak, only for you to tear it apart like it was nothing. You were my brother in blood."

"You will always be my brother, in blood and soul." Dave nodded. "But sacrifices must be made." 

John whistled. "Damn. That's heavy." 

"It was all because of you, John." You said, shaking your head.

And, in perfect Egbertian fashion, he tilts backward as if to faint, and rocks forward just as fast, right onto his knees.

 _"Noooooooo!"_ John cried.

You could feel the exact moment people turned to look at you. They were pacified by twin Strider peace signs.

"Dude. Get up." Dave said.

"A really cool stunt, huh?" John asked.

"I bet I can top that." You said, thinking back to your Prince persona. 

John blinked.

"And as punishment, Nicolas Cage wouldn't have a role in the film." Dave said. " _No._ I don't want a repeat performance."

"John Egbert, on the sake of us not getting kicked out, will you please stand up?" Jane asked.

You whistled. "Damn, that's heavy."

John laughed sheepishly as he got right back to his feet.

"I'd go… slink away now." John said, at the face of Jane's full force glare. In all fairness, you understand and would do the same in the same position.

Dave chuckled. _"Egbert."_

"Egbert." You agreed. 

Egbert and Crocker had always been two terrible pranksters, but John had always been much _louder._ He reminded you of a small can of Pepsi. An entirely too sweet beverage wrapped in a too-small package. Fizzy, loud and pops.

He had always meshed well with Dave for that reason. Dave wasn't loud, but he was chatty as hell. He also welcomed the presences that yanked his blinds wild open and barged right into his window. 

"Anyway, dude, as I was saying. Prince left another of his inventions." Dave said.

Every time Prince, or well _you,_ have to inevitably leave one of your tools, it has turned tradition for a university-wide search for them.

You felt all the blood drain out of your face. The seven meters of ruined synthetic fiber call out to you.

"It's mine." You said. And it really _is._

Dave frowned. "I gotta admit, the shit he does is rad. He's thorough in his work." 

"If you play dress up, you might as well commit to the work." You said.

Dave looked like he had bit into a sour lemon.

"Right." Dave said. "All I'm saying is, you can probably do much better than that pain in the ass." 

Dave grew up with the unfortunate circumstance of having you as an older brother. It was an unfortunate side-effect that he grew up idolizing you, and in turn, you can't really take his compliments on face value.

"Right." You said. "You're a Beta fanatic."

Dave recoiled.

"God, no. They're all terrible." Dave laughed. 

"Thanks, little man." You said. "Your boyfriend is here, so don't try so hard to look good, alright?"

"Har, har, har. Hilarious. Can you see me nearly crying in laughter?" Dave said.

You clapped his back once. "That blushing isn't hiding anything." 

Dave rolled his eyes, but he has a tell. He freezes, and behind his shades, he looks at whoever he has in mind. And you know who he has in mind.

You decide to stop torturing him and finally pay attention to the _real_ reason you're here— to ice skate. 

The rink is slightly crowded today, given the fact that it was the weekend. There were people cautiously holding on the railing, the people happily skating through the ice, and the ones just casually strolling by.

You and Roxy tend to be one of the people by the last category. But the pair of you push the limit, deciding to do tricks that neither of you are definitely qualified to do.

The pair of you continued to skate around the rink, trying to one-up the other. You and Roxy had taken delight at the fact that the Captor asshole kept slipping every time he took a turn. Unfortunately, Dave's not-boyfriend kept helping him up, but it was always fun while it lasted. As the time passed, you started to see more familiar faces. Rose and her girlfriend were quietly taking a romantic stroll, Jake kept hitting it up with random strangers, and Dave kept tailing his not-boyfriend around. It was a plus that Karkat couldn't help Captor out when he was sniping Dave out.

All that skating had you tired. You wipe some sweat from your brow.

"I'm gonna grab some water." You said. 

"Sure. Catch ya later, Di-Stri!" Roxy said, leaning so far back that it's a miracle that their skates had stuck to the ice. You don't know how they were able to keep balance, but damn if you aren't impressed.

With a two-fingered salute, you headed outside. There are food stalls outside the ice rink, outside a certain zone to not get the rink full of clutter. 

That's where you see the man himself, John Egbert, snacking on a hotdog on a stick. 

"All knackered out too, huh?" You asked.

John stopped mid-bite, doing an impressive impression of a squirrel storing his cheeks with nuts. He swallows down.

_"Dude."_

"Dude?" You echo, unsure.

"Don't suprise a guy like that!" John yelped. "Seriously, how are you so _quiet?"_

"With my graceful skating feet." You said, without missing a beat. "That brings me back to the topic, why are you here?"

"Oh," John shook his head. "Ah, no. I don't skate." 

John gestures to the space beside him on the bench. You sit beside him.

"Huh, weird. I woulda thought that Jane would choose a place that her niece would enjoy." You said.

John made a face. "Please don't call her my aunt. It's fucking weird."

"Sure, kiddo." You said.

You ruffled his hair for good measure. John immediately wrangled your hand away, unimpressed.

"Dude, _gross._ " John said. "We're practically the same age." 

You hummed in agreement.

"You really thought…" John paused, taking a bite off his hotdog. "That Jane chose this place for me?"

"She looks out for you." You said.

A moment of silence. John and Jane never really had any problems. What was terrifying is when they expressed their anger through pranking, you stayed out of those.

"I _guess_ you can say that." John said. His eyes glaze over with thought. A rare incident. "You know that this was the Heir's first incident?" 

It's almost embarrassing how fast you straightened up.

"Huh?" You said immediately. How slick. How _smooth_ , how not-obvious at all. 

"Heir fucked up the ice rink." John laughed sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. His ears were tinged red even with your distance from the rink.

"I never knew about it." You said, awed. 

You _should_ have, with how much Seer had been updating their Twitter with their shenanigans. How did nights and nights of stalking— _ahem,_ researching the rival group did _not_ result in this information?

John averted his eyes. "It came out as word-of-mouth rather than the usual. They weren't able to document it 'cuz they were sloppy, you know?"

"Just a couple of brats playing pranks for the first time." You said. "And they didn't know what to do." 

"Yeah, exactly!" John nodded. "They replaced all the ice with blue jello. The owners of this place were _furious._ Sure there wasn't property damage, but…"

John shrugged eloquently.

"Even if there wasn't property damage, it's still a dick move to ruin the rink like that." You said.

"You gotta admit." John said, eyes lit up to the tenth power. Fizzy, loud, and pops. "It was pretty fucking cool."

"Was that a pun? Either way, the answer is, it _sucked."_ You said.

Oh, fuck. You could definitely see what was going on here.

Everything clicked. There's only one reason why he, a random civilian, would know more information about Heir than his actual rival.

"Dude." You said, with dawning realization. "Do you… Have a thing for Heir?"

John, who was previously giggling, suddenly chokes on nothing. An impressive feat.

_"WHAT?"_

His shame tells it _all._

"I could see it now. You admire the magnitude of his pranks, and you always had a thing for superheroes, man, you always had shitty role models— " You said.

"Hey, _not cool,_ all of my role models were fucking awesome." John said, puffing his chest out.

" _Y_ _ou have a thing for Heir._ " You clapped your hands together. It was a damn eureka moment. "That's why Jane tells us to hang out here all the time so you can mask your true intentions— _to go Heir hunting."_

"Wh— What?" John gaped. 

"And you won't admit to it." You sighed, shaking your head. "Give it up, man. I can see right through you." 

"Dude, I— " John sputtered. His eyes bugged out.

John looked nearly purple. He was gesticulating wildly, as if he was having a stroke or ready to wrap his lithe fingers on your thin neck and snap it like a toothpick.

"Deep breaths, man." You put _your_ lithe fingers on his back instead, thumping his back.

John inhales. He keeps inhaling until his butt takes off from the seat, hovering mid-air. 

_"You— think— I— have— a— thing— "_ John wheezed. 

"You don't need to fly off the place like some anime damsel." You said, taking handfuls of his jacket.

"RIGHT." John choked, incredulous. His food bits sprayed all over you.

"I can see why you like him, man. He can manipulate the air, and you can fly. You two would work well together if you ever teamed up." You shuddered. "But you gotta know, John. Heir's like lightning. He doesn't strike the same place twice."

There's no use denying it, anyway. You could practically taste his shame for being found out. He wasn't _subtle_ either.

You _yanked_ him down entirely, seeing as he's too shocked for bothering to do it himself. He choked, some of the hotdog bits going down his jacket.

"It'll be our secret." You said, doing a zipping motion with your mouth.

John looked like he was about to pass out. An embarrassing secret, but the least of his embarrassing crushes. This one makes a _drop_ of sense.

John hit his own chest to clear his airway, bent over in half. 

"Right," John said. "No matter what you do, don't tell Rose." 

An understandable negotiation. You can already see her cheap sofa and her notepad ready.

"I dunno, man. You sold me out with that whole SBAHJ Oedipus Complex thing. That _hurts,_ dude." You said, putting a hand over your heart for emphasis. 

"Okay, _fine."_ John put his right hand up.

Your eyebrows shot up, but you otherwise don't say anything.

"I, John Egbert, apologize for the grievance that I have caused an upstanding citizen, Dirkedick Strider— "

"My real name." You chide.

" _Dirk Strider._ In exchange, I will owe him my life." John finished.

You pretend to consider it, hand on your chin. Sure, a life debt is too much, but it's a fun card up your sleeve while you have it. Besides, what's wrong with watching a friend squirm?

"Guess that means you owe me one." You smirked.

John threw his head back and groaned. Either way, both of you knew that he walked right into that. That was an oath, and oaths weren't meant to be broken.

"That's a deal, then?" John asked, putting out his hand.

You shook John's hand. "That's a deal. Now come here, we're not gonna waste your whole get-up." 

Your handshake has smoothly turned into you pulling him up. For a guy that can fly anytime, he sure can be heavy when he wants to. Damn midget.

"What? I already told you, I can't skate." John said, his ass firmly planted on the seat of the bench.

"Looks like you're learning how to." You said. 

With one mighty yank, you pull him right to his feet. 

"Have fun pulling my ass off the ice, asshole." John grumbled.

He was a drama queen especially when he wanted to be. You're going to be thoroughly entertained.

"Dude, you can _fly."_ You said. "No need to worry about landing your ass on the ice."

"Just because I _can,_ doesn't mean I should." John said.

You raised one eyebrow slowly. "No need to pretend you're responsible _now."_

Continuing the back-and-forth, you managed to wrangle John into falling in line at the counter ("This is so _boring._ I could be stuffing my face right now." "You _are_ stuffing your face as we wait our turn. See? Productivity.") He managed to finish his little weiner before having fitted his skates. John, being himself, couldn't resist a quip or two about sizes to which the employee generously chuckled at. So it couldn't be blamed that you had a jab at how _small_ his feet were, especially with how he sputtered afterward.

Chuckling as you left the booth, you couldn't help but remark,

"Did I hit a sore spot, Egbert?" You said.

He chokes, the sound coming all the way back from his lungs. What comes to mind is a cat spitting out his hairball.

"You _wish_ that you'd hit a sore spot." John said, looking thoroughly affronted. Then, with a curl of his lips. "And that's what _she_ said."

Typical. You smack his ass, snorting at the way he turns back at you, cheeks flushed. 

"What?" You said with psuedo-innocence. "That means fix your posture, Egbert."

John straightens up and maturely sticks his tongue out. He slides in, hands stuck to the railing. He waddles like a baby duck.

"I believe in you." You said, clapping your hands together.

"This isn't even funny." John whines. "I'm literally about to fall off any minute."

"Pffft. The only thing limiting you is your mind." You said.

You barely saw a flash of John's glare before he was flailing, catching on the end of your jacket and bringing you down with him. Your cheek hit the floor, John somewhere around your arm. 

He was too happy to be falling on the ice like a complete dunce.

"Having fun yet?" John asked, completely unapologetic. He was lying on the ice as you did.

"Dude. You can _fly."_ You said, getting back on your ass.

"Nah. Don't wanna." John shrugged.

With John's completely mischievous attitude, and your quickly forming resolve, you can tell that this was gonna be a long day. Now, on your feet, with a completely deadpan voice, you offer your hand to him.

"I've never had this much fun in my life." You said, each vowel crisp. You narrowed your eyes at him. 

With John's quickly dawning horror, an elbow propped against the ice and his other hand hesitant on taking yours, you can already tell that the previous statement wouldn't be a lie.

But when it shifts into a sharp grin, eyes gleaming, he takes his hand in yours, nearly making you lose balance when he pulls himself upward.

"Good." John said, stretching a crick out of his neck. "'Cuz we're just beginning." 

Challenge fucking accepted, bro.

* * *

**John Tho** @jegbert

i stand corrected.

 **John Tho** @jegbert

 _striders_ are slave drivers.

 **Di-Stri** @dirkstrider

Dude. Is that how you thank someone who taught you how to skate?

 **John Tho** @jegbert

fuck you. i learned nothing. 

**Di-Stri** @dirkstrider

Next month, then. 

**John Tho** @jegbert

bye.

**Author's Note:**

> john isnt actually a fucking villain, lmao. hes like one of those annoying youtube pranksters. i haven't written anything in forever, so this is cathartic. possible sequel?
> 
> tracks i have listened to while writing this:  
> the entirety of the duality album by set it off
> 
> does it match the tone? fuck no. is it a blasting bop? fuck yes. dont take my music suggestions it doesnt fit at all please.
> 
> also we ALL had a crush on perry the platypus stfu
> 
> i was binging b99 for the first time as i wrote this. i got through seasons 1-5 as i wrote this. yeS i know its a lot and it says more about my writing speed than my ability to binge because i had trouble going through season 1. anyway, b99 was a hit and my to-watch pile is growing. this is what american sitcom looks like?


End file.
